History

by Philip Greenspun

• around 1200 BC At the end of the Trojan War, the noble Trojan Aeneas flees the burning city with his father on his back, his son holding his hand and his wife "following behind a bit." His wife having been lost in the shuffle, he sets sail without her and arrives in Carthage, which will eventually become Rome's rival for power in the Mediterranean. Aeneas relates his tale of marital irresponsibility to Queen Dido who promptly falls in love with him. The Gods force Aeneas to move on and, although he is allegedly a great warrior, Aeneas lacks the courage to tell Dido straight out that he has to leave. Dido throws herself on a sword as Aeneas sails over the horizon.

  Aeneas eventually arrives in Italy and kills a bunch of local folks. All of this is related by Virgil writing for the Emperor Augustus in around 27 BC. I recommend studying the classics. From reading Homer and Virgil, I have learned the following: (1) women don't listen (cf. Dido above), (2) men like women with blond hair and large breasts (Dido, Helen, and Iphigenie were all described as blondes; third prize in an athetic contest in the Aeneid is a bunch of "deep chested slave women").

• 753 BC Legendary founding of Rome by Romulus and Remus. Romulus dares anyone to jump over the wall he just built, on pain of death. His brother Remus accepts the dare and is promptly beheaded. That's why we have Romans and not Remans.
• 509 BC Republic established. Rome is ruled by consuls, elected for one year terms by patricians.
• 272 BC Italy consolidated under Roman rule.
• 264 to 146 BC Wars with Carthage ultimately lead to its destruction. Carthage's great general Hannibal manages to get elephants over the Alps, but it doesn't help in the long run. The Romans salt the earth to ensure that nobody ever builds a city there again.

  

• 44 BC Julius Caesar assasinated.
• 27 BC Octavius, adopted son of Julius Caesar, changes his name to "The August One" (Augustus) and rules the Empire. The Republic is dead.
• 70 AD Titus crushes the 68 AD revolt of the Jews. The Temple is destroyed, the Diaspora begins. Debate between the two branches of Christianity settled. The side that had argued that Christians were Jews who had to obey the laws set forth in the Old Testament was physically based in Jerusalem. With all of their foes killed or scattered by the Roman reconquest, the side that maintained that Christianity was entirely separate from Judaism prevailed.
• 161-80 AD Marcus Aurelius rules the Roman Empire and writes the Meditations. Marcus Aurelius was the only emperor who did not disgrace himself. He owned or had power over virtually everything in the known world. He could have acquired any material object, indulged any desire of the flesh, or condemned to death anyone who irritated him.
• 380 AD Christianity becomes the official religion of the Roman Empire
• 450-475 AD Germans destroy the Western Roman Empire; Rome sacked.
• 553 AD Italy reconquered by Justinian, emperor of the Eastern Empire. Justinian set down the law of Rome into his famous Code. A copy of this Code was rediscovered in the 12th century in Italy and all the European nations adopted this Code as their law (Britain alone continued to use Germanic tribal law, based on precedent).
• 752 AD "Threatened by the Lombards, the pope appeals to Pepin the Short, King of the Franks." I have no idea what this means, but I like the way it sounds so I copied it out of the Michelin guide.
• 1307 AD Dante Alighieri begins writing The Divine Comedy.
• 1492 AD Columbus discovers America and therefore tomatoes. Southern Italian cuisine, especially pizza, will never be the same.
• 1508-1512 AD Michelangelo (1475-1564) spends his 33rd through 37th years frescoing the Sistine Chapel.
• 1573-1610 AD Caravaggio shakes up the art world with his dramatic realism.
• 1675-1741 AD Vivaldi writes the same concerto about 500 times. Why didn't he get bored? He was the music director at an all-girls school and, er, "conducted" an orchestra of 1200 girls aged 12-20.
• 1805-1814 AD Napoleon rules Italy.
• 1848 AD First war of independence against Austria.
• 1870 AD Italy unified by Garibaldi and the modern state is born.
• 1922-1926 AD Mussolini comes to power.
• 1940 AD Italy enters WWII as Germany's ally against Britain and France. Winston Churchill remarks "It is only fair; we had them last time."
• July 1943-April 1945 Italy conquered by American and British forces.

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