From "Tiger mothers" to "Bringing up Bébé"

Thanks, Anders. Interesting perspective.

I grew up with a buddy born in Belgium but raised in South Africa. His upbringing from an European background together with an international family mindset has shaped him quite differently from most "North Americans", although you wouldn't know that from casual contact.

Perhaps the difference in philosophy between "Tiger Mothers" and "Bébé" is more economically driven where the former is responding to intense societal competition for resources. Personal expression must also take a backseat when a billion people must coexist in harmony.

I also don't know if the "Bébé" approach is across the board for most French families or only those of middle class and above.

Delayed gratification and sage parental control seem to be prevalent not just in France but in other European countries. My own experience is that of France, Portugal and England, which generally show similar relationships between parent and young child. One cannot paint North America with a single brush, or Europe for that matter, but the parent child relationship philosophy seems to be quite successful in many homes in France. Later development of the child, and education, are another subject, and the near adult child in North America seems to score pretty well in terms of independence of thought and action, notwithstanding the common perception of a uniformised society behaviour.

My favorite quote from that essay:

"I certainly don't want my kids growing up to become sniffy Parisians."

Oui.

My least favorite quote:

"I'm hardly the first to point out that middle-class America has a parenting problem. This problem has been painstakingly diagnosed, critiqued and named: overparenting, hyperparenting, helicopter parenting, and my personal favorite, the kindergarchy. Nobody seems to like the relentless, unhappy pace of American parenting, least of all parents themselves."

The author seems to have a surprisingly narrow view of American parenting, and a very limited sampling of the American experience.

Lex - this book, like any narrative on a broad-ranging topic is going to miss the target for a lot of people. Having said that, I see a lot of parenting attempts here in the US and Canada that seem to match some of the characterization you quoted - it just seems a lot people try too hard at getting it right, and I'm not sure they are getting it any "righter" than we did 30 years or so ago. I have had close interaction with French families over the past couple decades, and I do think that often they are much tighter about boundaries, and at the same time less hyper about raising the perfect 5-year old.

The essay author's description of what she considers typical French parenting matches my own upbringing. My mom was very involved without being over-protective or interfering. She rarely had to "discipline" my brother or me, and I remember many comments from strangers about how well behaved we were - even though we were as energetic and inquisitive as any kids. I just thought we were behaving normally. I agree that it's a beneficial parenting style.

I don't agree that it's particularly uncommon in the U.S. We're a huge and incredibly diverse nation with many subcultures. Even with such diversity, the vast majority of kids I see in public - stores, restaurants, etc. - behave appropriately for the situation without being robots or zombies, and at the same time energetic and inquisitive without being unruly. Well, with the possible exception of teenagers who are experiencing what I've heard described as "normal hormone-driven schizoaffective disorder" by friends who are psychologists, social workers, etc.

I tend to agree with the responses so far - that the piece is an over-simplification of a complex and varied reality. But then isn't that what journalism is about? With the necessity to fill column inches and when there is not much real news about, the papers all too frequently simplify reality down to stereotypes and play upon the fears of their readerships. The reality is that wherever you look there will in all probability be good and bad parenting.

Just as a sideways comment I find it interesting that high achieving people quite often seem to come from less than ideal family circumstances. Life isn't simple, is it?

I don't think it is just a "French parenting" thing. When living and working in Germany many years ago, the relationship between parents and children, especialy teens, was much different than here in the States.

I would not buy the often repeated sentence that there is no such thing as differences between countries also when it comes to upbringing of children. My experience is that that there are huge national differences and surely great diversities within nations too.
This does however not mean that I would accept a so often repeated formulation concerning North America (the US in this case) saying that because of the belief that: "We're a huge and incredibly diverse nation with many subcultures", all talk about an "American way" of something, is abusive.
I don't know how many of you know how research analyses vastly diverse nations by representative sampling methods. Without such method all discussions on nation would be personal histories and hearsay. With them, it is posible to conduct surveys that conclude for example as the Princeton economists survey do, referred to in the article with the following paragraph:

I first realized I was on to something when I discovered a 2009 study, led by economists at Princeton, comparing the child-care experiences of similarly situated mothers in Columbus, Ohio, and Rennes, France. The researchers found that American moms considered it more than twice as unpleasant to deal with their kids. In a different study by the same economists, working mothers in Texas said that even housework was more pleasant than child care.

The reason why I bothered about introducing the link to this article on Bébé is that I believe what author is writing is bulls-eye - apart from her reference to "sniffy Parisians", but that is another story !

Anders, I think it might be fair to conclude that how children are raised is dependent on attitudes toward children, whether the breakdown is by country, society, culture, or individual. The same can be said about attitudes toward women or the elderly.

Put any 10 individuals in a room and you'll likely have 10 different opinions.