Mother Of Bride Nightmare

Kimberly, I get the sense that you haven't photo'd many weddings. This interaction with MOB is just part and parcel of the job. If it's the first time you've encountered this, you can bet it won't be the last if you continue shooting weddings. Deal with it.

I think I'll grab a screen-shot of this, and use it as wallpaper on my computer so that I'll always be able to see it when checking my e-mail. That way I'll never, in some fit of foolishness, EVER be talked into so much as being a backup assistant to the stand-by replacement on call just in case the first stand-by for the second shooter at a wedding needs a stand-in. Yeesh!

You report that the contract provides for the B&G as being to parties you are responsible to and that they are cooperating with being the only such parties and that is your preference. Just deal with the B&G. Why spend all this time fretting and writing when everything is so obvious?.

Sorry, I guess, the few cases I have had issues, the B&G was the only financial responsible party.. And I didn't think twice to request all matters be handled through the B&G... However, with this situation, I was just hesitant to write her off due to her being on the contract and the one who did pay for the services. Sorry for wasting your time.

A bitch session with your name, key words that pertain to your business, your clients first and last names...is now cemented into google. These kinds of posts remind me of couples having private discussions in a tent.

I know and have worked with people who are just like the the MOB (mother of bride). This is a simple situation that she is trying to complicate. Do not let her. My contract says this... here are the photos from the wedding. End of story. There is no point in exchanging emails about photos that do not exist. Do not discuses this. Your response to her second email should have been: "Thanks for looking at the images and for your kind words. I wish I could help with the shot of you and your nephew, but the image that you are asking for does not exist." Thanks, Kim. Be courteous but spell it out as clearly and as bluntly as possible, with as few words as possible. This is not worth your time, nothing you say is going to make her happy. The best you can hope for is for her to get it through her head that the images do not exist, no number of emails is going bring them into existence, and that she is going to have to deal with this.

Thank you Todd... This was a bit of pent up frustration, I have a hard time with "you can't please everyone" as much as I know we all try! This was going on for days and I was at a loss because I hadn't dealt with this before to this extent. But you are right, and I just needed a little reassurance I guess, to not feed into it and stop explaining myself to her and move on. Thanks Again, Kim

One way out: see if the "my nephew" and the bride's mom can be photographed together in the next week or so. Other than that, you are going to be in limbo forever with the lady who paid for you to photograph the wedding.

It's actually quite common for the MOB to treat the day as if it is her wedding and the MOG to complain that she's being left out.

I don't care who actually pays the bill but after a similar conflict, I made it a rule that the B/G sign the contract. If mom wants her own special album that is heavier with her side of the family that's great, she can customize it to her heart's content but she will also be charged accordingly.

Kim,

This may be a good time for you to review your contract. Does it stipulate that no images are guaranteed?

This is a customer service issue. Even though the contract was with the B&G, there's no reason why you can't try to make the MOB happy (though I am confused by this "I was just hesitant to write her off due to her being on the contract." Did the Mom co-sign?). I agree that I would explain, in very polite terms, that unfortunately the wanted image doesn't exist. You don't need to explain why-it doesn't. Then find out how you can make her happy. If her answer is a reasonable one, such as "could I have an 8 by 10 of that one of my nephew and me in the pew?" then do it. Costs you a lab fee and makes a customer happy. If she says she wants her money back, then just politely review the terms of your contract and that you fulfilled your obligation.

But never miss out on a chance to make someone happy.

My contract states (after two impossible MOB's similar to your experience:

the Contract:

"I understand and have read this contract. I understand that the photography is of a photojournalistic nature rather than "Studio Style" photography. I understand that should we desire "must have" shots that are so important that we could end up dissatisfied with the results - that we will be active participants in making sure they happen. The wedding information sheet (includes shot list) serves as a "guide" to assess priorities and does not guarantee that every item rated as a high priority will be obtained. This could be due to circumstances beyond photographers control such as a missing person in a group photo. lack of time, lack of cooperation of a given subject, location change caused by unacceptable lighting or weather conditions, wedding guests or video people obscuring view of subjects during important moments, subjects walking too fast or too close together during processional (see tip sheet) camera failiure etc. etc... "

"When paying party is different from couple....Photo Agenda and Contract must be signed and agreed upon by both Paying Party and couples (Client) as to priorities, photo style and required images". _____ Photography's primary concern is the satisfaction of the Client. All conflicts, style preferences, required images etc. must be worked out between the paying party and the Client. "

Then there is a space for the "Client" - (couple) And for the Paying Party.

This is on the Info/Shot Sheet and the contract.

IF a Mom calls me with a Missed shot (doesn't happen often) - I offer to reshoot if it really was my mistake (forgot) or give them a nice discount. Otherwise, I very nicely explain things like "The couple, which really is the client according to the contract - was finished with shooting and decided not to do the stained glass window shot or didn't want this or that photo. I know you mentioned during the wedding that you really wanted this or that shot and that you paid but that was something you needed to work out with your daughter/son before hand...and I just can not get into family conflicts which is why I have that clause in the contract to begin with.

Go through all the pictures and crop out any person with an unflattering expression or open mouth. Give her everything that can be salvaged this way.

Did she ask and did you agree in writing to get the nephew picture? If so, your bad. If not, her bad for not coming around at some point with the nephew and asking for a shot.

For future reference, try to avoid signing people who seem like they will be a problem. Your intuition is probably right.

My policy is to try and make everyone happy, regardless of who signed the contract or paid for the job. If something was my fault--such as agreeing to photograph a shot and I didn't, I make up for it somehow by reshooting or cents off, etc. If it comes down to having to point at the contract and 'get legal' on everyone, then I will, but not before I exhaust all possibility of making everyone happy.

My take on the shot of the MOB and nephew is, if she made a big deal about it before the wedding, I would have made sure I got the shot, along with anything else she specifically mentioned as wanting. I make myself a list and refer to it the day of. If I don't get the shot as requested, I try to restage it, if it can be restaged, or substitute something else similar. I don't leave until I either get the shot, something similar, or make sure the person in question knows what I have or don't have and is OK with it.

At this point, it is up to you how much you want to extend yourself to either give the MOB something tangible to make up for the perceived lack, or soothe her otherwise and continue to deal with her interference in the most tactful way possible. Seems you've already given her notice that you are about to stop caring about her concerns.

Nadine - I also try and make everyone happy regardless....

However - this sounded to me like two of the Mom's I had. And - in order to never ever have to have this situation again - I decided to make it very clear that conflicts have to be fixed (hopefully ahead of time) between Mom and bride about style, priorities etc. As well as making it very clear who my client is.

One Mom also had the mindset that she was paying and she even said to me - "Daughter doesn't like to have her photo taken very much and photography is not one of her priorities - but I'm paying so she'll do what I tell her to do... (Joking but serious...).

Well - the daughter wanted nothing to do with photography for sure. She and her Mom started fighting about the fact that she didn't want to pose for all these group shots. Daughter grudgingly complied but was sullen and uncooperative. When she and her husband and I went off to do the couple pictures - she only let me shoot of about 10 frames and then marched off. When Mom got the images - even knowing the problem and even though I told her I only got 10 photos.... She was trying to blame me for the fact that her daughter looked horrible and I didn't get wonderful and plenty of couple shots.

Another one was a Mom who was pissed that kids had been invited to her daughter's wedding when she told people she didn't want kids there. She told me she did not want ONE shot of any of "those brats". She also had a daughter that wasn't into photography and I couldn't get her to pose for some of the family shots (Aunts and Uncles) that Mom wanted. I put the ball in Mom's court this time but even Mom couldn't get it to happen.

On the bride's shot list she had wedding party shots, bride with flower girl, groom with ring bearer, Groom's family with siblings/spouses and thier kids who were in the wedding party. Mom obviously never saw the shot sheet (which is now why paying party and couple have to sign off on that sheet).

How was I to know that the kids in the wedding party were the kids Mom meant. Only seeing these same kids at the reception - I thought the offending parties never ended up coming.

When Mom saw the proofs she went ballistic. It was such a huge issue for her. She kept harping on it in phone calls and emails and in person. Her husband pulled me aside and apologized for his wife and told me she was pissed because she was completely disregarded by her daughter and his side of the family in bringing kids when she was so clear that no kids should come. It created bad feelings with family members that ended up not bringing kids -and blah blah blah. Mom would not let go. She kept telling me she "told" me clearly and IN WRITING that she wanted NO photos of kids. (emails). To her - the whole wedding was ruined because I had photos of the kids.

Some people you just can't make happy. And in this case I was truly caught in the middle. That is why I worded my contract and info sheet the way I did. I don't take it to extremes - but you never know when you are going to have a nutty menopausal Mom (I'm menopausal so I can say that) and it is best to be very clear who the client is and that I want the Payor and the Client to work out the details and I will not be in the middle. I'm very clear about this with Mom's verbally as well in the interview process. I don't want to ever have these situations in the future. Well, that was a good 12 years ago and I have never had a problem since.

Additionally, I do tell the bride to go over the "priority" shots with Mom and groom and family and give it to me in writing and we tick them off throughout the day. However, if there are 2 or 3 shots that - if you don't have them - you'll be inconsolable - indicate what those are so we can re-enact them and/or take special care to get them. If Mom and bride have a disagreement because the bride stamps her foot and says "I'm not going to spend my whole wedding doing all these pictures..." - Let her work that out with Mom ahead of time. There is nothing worse than being caught in the middle the day of the wedding. There have also been times when the bride says - We're not doing this this and that shot on the shot list because I'm done. I do let the parent's know and they have to work it out with the bride - not me. I can't force the couple to keep doing group shots if they don't want to. That's part of the reasoning for making sure the paying party knows that I work for the couple.

I hear you Mary. I do as you do--make sure, ON THE DAY, that both parties know what I got and didn't get, and put it on them to get the ball rolling if something needed to be organized (that wasn't happening). I pay attention to these dramatics before the wedding, though, so most of the time, I am aware of possible problems and take care of open ended potential problems, as I said, on the day, as you do.

Reading this, It's bringing back memories of the first wedding I ever did. The bride's cousin was dating my Brother, and they had their photographer cancel on them at the last moment. They saw a family event that I'd photograhed for them and chose to ask me. Like some of the bride's mentioned, she didn't want photo's, thus it was her mother that was handling it. Reading some of the advice in here would have definately helped me out.

In hind sight with all the given circumstances it turned out pretty well, but there was some disapointment and frustration involved. Both on the part of the Bride, MOB and myself that could have been avoided by having clear expectations worked out beforehand.

You guys who make your livings at this don't get paid nearly enough.

This is exactly why I'm picky about which weddings I choose to shoot. I make most of my money doing other photography work and a mix of print design and web design.

If I get any inkling that the bride or parents might be an issue, I politely decline. It's just not worth the effort and frustration.

Thank you all for your insight... Yes, the MOB was a cosigner :( And 'Mary Pearson Ball' your contract wording is ideal... I have statements regarding no shot is guarenteed... But yours is worded very well. And yes, I will surely pay more attention in the future to if I feel I will ever live up to a clients expectations, and if I have any reservations, recommend they continue searching for someone they feel is above my skill level & experience. But then again, that is why I am honest with my pricing for clients... I have a substantial price gap from the more experienced photographers in our area, and allow them to review quite a bit of my work and full weddings, not to mention I only lock Proofing if requested to do so... Leaving my work exposed to let them decide if my style and level of photography is what they are seeking!

I have dealt with MOB before just like that, If they get smart or unreasonable I make it clear (politely) that I am there for the Bride and Groom regardless of who paid for the wedding or the photography, and if they have any problems with that, they can take it up with the bride. I even had a mother insist one time on picking the photos that go into the album! I mean really!! I told her that I had agreed with the bride that she and the groom would pick the shots but she said she had paid for it and she would pick, I simply told her if she wanted she could order a parent album for €300 and pick any shots she would like to go into that but only the bride and groom would pick their album shots unless they told me otherwise. Im not sure how you guys work payment, but over here we take a deposit and full payment either prior to/on the wedding day. I had a mother one time a few days before the wedding "tell" me that she would pay me once she had the album with the prints in it delivered so she could approve.... I (again politely) informed her that if payment wasnt received in full by the end of the wedding day as agreed, that no proofs would be provided and all images would be deleted within 30 days.... I was paid on time. Sometimes people try to walk all over you when you are nice, when they do, you just have to make it clear that its not going to be accepted.

I am learning that with more experience I am gaining... My good nature gets me in trouble a good bit of the time. Because photography bleeds so much of the photographer & their passion... I am coming to realize it is a hard business to draw a line between favors & business... I am sure it doesn't help, I spent so much of my early experience only taking jobs through referrals & as favors, so now that I have to learn more of a stern, yet polite approach to not be taken advantage of, it does take away from the enjoyment of this type of work! I remember telling my husband the other day... "You begin to realize real quick, why truly experienced photographers charge so much for their services... To afford all the Asprin!" :)

Similar experience...much sympathy...I no longer shoot weddings. JR

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL "You begin to realize real quick, why truly experienced photographers charge so much for their services... To afford all the Asprin!" That was a thought I hadn't had yet. Probably because our (official, legal, & all) business is so new here, we haven't run into a true nightmare, yet.

Thank you Mary for sharing your contract wording - it's going on mine as soon as I wake up.

And Kimberly - I feel for you. I'm a soft touch, I have a real problem saying "no", and I want to make everybody happy. Ok, it might not be good to admit that here. So far my biggest headache has been members of the wedding party vanishing to go across the street for lunch or out to the parking lot for drinks in the middle of photographs. Ok, so there was the wedding where ONLY the maid of honor was ready to go at wedding time so there was no wedding party......

Live & learn, right??

I agree with David Schilling. Always shoot everyone as much as possible. This way I have enough pictures of each family to SELL a separate parent album featuring their respective families. Trust me that what you went through is fairly common in this business. The best defense is to prepare for it. I find that once I offer the mothers to buy a parent book,all objections seem to melt away. Good luck,and good shooting.

Kimberly,

WOW, momzilla! I have had several of these. You have handled it really well. Now, I think all you can do is wait, and maybe give her some free pages in her album, or some free prints. Something to get her to let it go. Maybe ask her what she wants to make up for the missing shot. I know that weddings are, you get what you get situations, but unfortunately, most people don't. They expect you to be in 15 places at one time.

Make sure your contract has a clause in it that lets the, Bride and Groom be known as the ‘Clients’, and says that you will act solely according to their instructions. Then you need something in there that says you don't have to listen to anyone else. And lastly, you need a "if you aren't happy with the pics, suck it" clause. You also have to make sure you limit your liability to the amount paid too. My lawyer said he has had people sue for outrageous amounts of money because they are "irreplaceable memories". The key to contracts is CYA!

ALWAYS REMEMBER: "Pains in the ass happen when you bend over, remove your underwear, and put a welcome mat under your feet."

LMAO... that is about all have to say to that :) And yes I will carefully be taking the advice here, thank you everyone, and adding more information to my contract, so it is as solid as possible, to give me something firm to stand on in these cases in the future!

Hi Kim...I am dealing with a brides father that I knew would be a problem from day one...I don't think I ever met anyone like him nor do I ever care to again...please update your contract that states you do not guarantee any one shot. I also have in my contract that I don't suggest all group shots to be done on alter and if they chose to do so it is going agains't my advice and I won't be responsible for those shots. Some churches are murder to do group shots . You can bet I will be more selective on whom I want to book, Clients like your brides mom and my brides dad are not worth any amount of money. Don't let brides mom intimidate you. You couldn't please them if you wanted to. Move on and take steps in your contract to cover everything...and I do mean everything! Good luck!